(A)Pathetic Way to Be

It's been a while.  You may not feel like it, but I sure do.  It's been at least a week, probably more since my last post.  And I'm not going to lie, there's a reason.  It began when I felt I had no words to write.  And then, when I finally did find myself in the mood to write, I couldn't bring myself to do so.
You know those moments when you find that the worst person to face is yourself?  I hate to admit it, but that was why I couldn't bring myself to write.  I have found that in writing, I allow myself time to think, and I didn't want to think.  I wanted to stay in this blissfully ignorant state of doing nothing.  But you know what?  I hated that state.  I hate feeling as if I've accomplished nothing, and apathy led me to that state.  I found myself writing in my head about what I was thinking because then, I wouldn't have to look at what I was thinking later.  I could remain ignorant.  Writing it down made whatever I was thinking real.  And that's not all bad.  In fact, most of the time, writing makes the memories stay with me.  It gives me a chance to preserve my own history.  But yesterday, I found myself loathing to see who I had become, and rather than face it, I ran.  No, really, when I realized how different I was from who I wanted to be, I went for a run.  And when I run, I really do think.  I think it was my brain's way of making up for not writing.  And as I ran, I felt wretched, in part because I hadn't run in a few days, but also because I found myself finally admitting all the things I'd tried to ignore.
A wise professor reminded me today that there is a very real difference between what seems to be and what is.  Yesterday, I think I found that difference.  And now, I'm finally writing about it.
You see, I am 100% ready to graduate.  Only, my problem is that it's March and I won't graduate for another nine months (thank God Summer break is in there, too).  I keep thinking about the future, about life after graduation, about hopefully finding a job teaching overseas.  But all this thinking has made me horribly unmotivated.  Falling behind in classes? Check.  Losing perspective? Check.  What seems to be a long ways off is only nine months away.  In comparison to the past 15 years of schooling, what's another half a year?  If only I could remember that.  Now... to that homework I lost the motivation for earlier.  As my housemate told me before leaving for the second half of her student teaching, "Finish strong!"  Finish Strong, Finish Strong, Finish Strong.