Thanks

Wow, it has been a very long time since I've posted.  But, today, I had to write.  
Some days, I question God.  I wonder why he made me, me.  I get angry because I'm not who I wish I was.  
Today, I trust.  I'm thankful today, because today, I see one reason he made me, me.  I'm going to try and describe the divine events that led to this realization, and it's going to take a few minutes.
Let me begin with my freshman year of college.  Yes, freshman year.  Actually, it begins even earlier than that.  In high school, I would get so angry with God.  I wanted to be like other people:  I idolized the popular people, the "in crowd."  I wanted everyone to like me, just as everyone appeared to like them.  Why would God make me so awkward and shy in front of the boys?  (Still that way today, but... oh well.  More on that later.)  Why would God give me talents that only "nerds" had?  I liked to read and play the clarinet and I didn't like cheerleading and playing basketball.  In some respects, I resented God for that.  I couldn't understand why he would do that.  
Then, as a senior in high school, I decided to come to Concordia, a university in Nebraska.  Away from high school.  I was going to recreate myself.  I was going to be confident and have a ton of friends.  And I am more confident, now; I do have many friends.  But I still felt as if I were less than others.  I still felt the nagging of the devil saying "Hey, look at her.  She's way more confident than you.  Look at how she talks to guys.  Look at how she gets noticed."  I fell for that.  And was still afraid to be in front of others.  "I," "I," "I."  Do you hear that?  It was all about me.  
By a divine turn of events, I ended up in Doctrine class.  Exactly where I needed to be.  My professor, he says things like they are.  He is constantly talking about marriage and relationships.  I knew this before I signed up for the class, and I thought I'd hate that aspect of class.  
That brings us to this day.  Today, in class, my professor talked about masculinity and femininity in the context of marriage.  Masculinity, he explained, is "to be the giver."  He says that men love giving, because it allows them to provide.  In the context of marriage or dating relationships, he says that men give as an expression of their love for their spouse.  Femininity, in contrast, is to be the receiver.  Women receive all that the men give. 
However, there’s a greater context to this relationship.  The bible constantly calls Christ the bridegroom and the church, the bride.  Christ gave himself unconditionally so that his bride, the church, could receive all the blessings of God.  He LOVES his people. 
So, why did God make me, me?  I’m insecure, I’m not popular.  But, as a woman, I receive.  I am given the grace and mercy of God, and I have received (and will continue to receive) a rich and bountiful life with everything I need.  Martin Luther, in his explanation of the phrase “give us this day our daily bread,” describes daily bread as “all that we need to sustain this body and life.”  Today, my bread has been the realization that I don’t have to be anything more than me, because I don’t do anything.  I only receive, because I’m a woman. 
I’ve always like the song “Beloved,” by Tenth Avenue North, and today, I’m especially reminded of the words “I’m the giver of life, I’ll clothe you in white, my immaculate bride you will be… for better or worse, forever we’ll be.  My love, it unites us.”  You see, he’s doing all the work.  He’s the one giving, and I’m receiving.
There’s another reason I’m trusting today, and it relates to my insecurity around guys.  I’ve realized lately that I’m insecure because I’m afraid.  I’m afraid to let myself be vulnerable.  I try to hide, hoping that they won’t see the real me.  The shy, nerdy girl.  And today, in my Doctrine class, I saw a direct correlation between how I act and how Adam and Eve acted when they fell.  They hid, too.  They covered themselves, and hid from each other because they were afraid to be completely vulnerable—afraid to be weaker.  That is me.  I’m exactly like that.  And in hiding, I cut myself off.  I cut myself off. 
In cutting myself off, I lose the opportunity for relationship.  And if I think about this in the context of the Bride of Christ, I realize that the vulnerability, though scary, allows me to receive all the gifts of God.  So, today, I’m being vulnerable, too. 
By the Grace of God, I plan to stay vulnerable and happy for who God made me:  a woman (and therefore, receiver).